For the first time in the history of our little family, we all sat down together to watch the big game. To hear Caleb cheering on a sports team was quite amusing as he's typically complaining about whatever sport happens to be on at the time. He actually gave me a high-five at one point! While we're all big Tennessee Vols fans and hated to see Peyton go down the way he did, this family was cheering on the Hawks loud and proud!
Yesterday was also our beloved Grandmother Hicks' 90th birthday!!!
I credit this sweet, wonderful woman for so many of the amazing "habits" my husband currently exudes...his love of cooking, considering others before himself, his kindness towards everyone and mostly, his patience. I have never met anyone who is as welcoming to everyone she comes in contact with as her, much less, ever heard her speak a harsh word. Chris' family is so small compared to my own, but the love everyone has makes it seem soo much bigger...and we owe it all to her. I can only hope and pray that I'll have as much faith, courage, and love as her when I reach 90!
The weather this winter has been absolutely NUTS! It's been beyond freezing, yet NO SNOW!!!! We did wake up last week to find our lake was completely frozen over! This is no shallow pond in the back yard...this is a 300+acre lake with depths reaching 50 feet. We had geese flying in from all over to rest, lay, play (?) on our lake. I had to snap a couple pictures, as I wasn't sure we'd ever see this again.
Last but not least. February is here. It's officially my birthday month. Yes, I celebrate all month. Yes, I expect my friends and family to do the same. Yes, I am spoiled. Even better than celebrating the entire month for myself, I'm celebrating this little boy. Every day I'm thankful for him. He brings us absolute joy. I don't know how we went as long without him. Best birthday present ever.
Does anyone else feel like January is just a complete "run, run, run, go, go, go" month? Shouldn't we all be relaxing and enjoying some down time after the holidays? Instead, it's all about getting back into shape, being more organized, finishing this project or that one. Well, you know what? I'm over it. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. Between trying to get everyone back in the swing of things for school to getting my house put back together after the madness that is Oct-Dec, I'm just done. Let me say it again..D.O.N.E.
Please don't get me wrong. I love all the hustle and bustle of the holidays and even enjoy a good organizing spree, but man oh man, this year...it's damn hard. Call me a whiner, blame it on the new baby (my favorite excuse ever), or just the dang crazy, cold weather...whatever it is, I'm kinda ready for it to move on and me to feel like I can breathe for a minute...or twelve.
Next month will be better. It has to be dammit. I refuse to accept anything less. It IS my birthday month after all...and of course, Baby Lawson's 1st birthday! So say a quick prayer, send some good thoughts, do a mambojambo ju-ju dance. Otherwise, Momma's gonna be having a "come to jesus" moment with the world.
I'll be honest with you. I had a really, really hard time getting in the Christmas Spirit this year. Usually by the time Thanksgiving rolls around, I'm ready to put the tree up, decorate the entire house, and settle in nightly with some hot cocoa and Christmas movies.
This year....not so much.
I think it was a combination of things. Family drama...not as many siblings coming in as usual...a baby who thinks the decorations are new toys...Whatever it was, it had me in a funk.
Sometime around the middle of the month however, I was able to get my act together.
The tree wasn't as decorated as it usually is, but it was still gorgeous with the million lights I have to have on it. Little spots of red and green popped up around the house. Santa was seen. Cookies were baked. And presents were bought.
My focus switched from everything that wasn't the same as years past, to all that was new. Embracing and loving the new. A new baby to celebrate a first Christmas all over again. New helpers to our cookie day. New traditions, new friends, new memories.
All in all, I'd call Christmas 2013 a success. The older boys were spoiled as usual, Chris and I soaked up as much family time as we could while he was off work, and even Baby Lawson got into the swing of things (between crying and being over stimulated) by ripping open everyone's presents and shoving the paper into his mouth.
I've seen this around quite a few blogs and actually have some friends who have been doing it for a while, but I'm a die hard Tide fan and just couldn't see the point in actually making my own laundry detergent.
Bring on a lack of change in income and surprise, surprise-a new found need to save every single penny sets in. So instead of spending $10 on the bright orange bottle of goodness that will last approximately 72 loads, I instead spent $8 that will last me months and months of laundry (oh joy!).
It's seriously one of the most simple things I've ever done...and it works!
You'll need all of 3 ingredients...all which you can find at Wal-Mart or Target.
I actually decided to use two different soaps just to get a bit of the lavender scent in my laundry that I like so much.
Use a cheese grater to grate your soap-try to get it the tiniest bits you can so that it will dissolve better-a friend suggested blending it also, but well, I kinda forgot and it doesn't seem to be a problem for me.
Then just mix in one cup of Borax and one cup washing soda-stir well and taadaa! All done!
It only takes 1 tablespoon of the mixture for each load you do! Holy crap!!!
I just pulled out the first load from the dryer...they smell super clean...heck, the whole house smells clean!
My husband hasn't stopped cracking jokes about it all afternoon...I expect to get a washboard for Mother's Day ;-)
So what do you do when you have absolutely nothing (for the first time in forever) planned on a Saturday, $100 cash to spend on anything you want, and the best Mom and sister you could ask for?
How about a little shopping, a little eating, and some bowling to top it all off!
I was actually kinda bummed about the weekend approaching...Chris had planned a fishing trip with his buddies last minute while I actually had wanted to get a jump start on some of those New Year's goals we had discussed. We were obviously not on the same page and I REAAAAAALLLLY didn't want to tackle the chaos that's called our bedroom by myself.
My boss actually made the suggestion of just taking some much needed time for myself...it was a stressful week and I deserved some ME time...who knew that my amazing Momma had the same thought process going on?
7 HeyTell's later and 2 text messages telling me to WAKE UP!!!! our plan was set in motion...yet, there really was no plan!
Allie and Mom showed up shortly later bring gifts of sugary goodness...the boys were pleasantly surprised by this and quickly ate their donuts so they could head back to bed...yep those teenage years are officially here!
Then we were off to the mall, some Christmas returns (when did my 10 year old's foot get as big as mine?!?!?) and then on to check out Macy's boot sale.
Oh wait...we NEVER buy anything at Macy's! Why do we continue wasting our time in there?
Anyone else like this? It's too overwhelming I think...I have enough "clothes shoved too closely together, nothing organized" in my own closet to want to shop in a store that's racks look like I've got going on at home. Maybe it's just me....
Anyways, a quick trip to the food court to finally break our $100 bill and to enjoy the blissdom of carb coated chicken at the Mandarin Garden and we finally had a plan!
$76.89 (after our lunches) and our bellies full, we headed to a local bowling alley...
Now, I definitely don't claim to be the world's greatest bowler by any means...I couldn't even break 100, but little sister up there...I don't know what sort of warm up/release thing she had going on. I think she was confused and thought we were playing softball ;-) Haha! Mom...always the competitive one, won both games!
All in all, we played a couple of games of bowling, did a little shopping, laughed a ton, and had a great, unexpected Saturday together. I couldn't have asked for any better non plan than that!
Life everyone else in the world, I'm excited by the beginning of a new year...
A chance for new beginnings, fresh starts, endless possibilities!
I've told myself that this year will be OUR year...it's not just about ME. I'm not a single person...I'm a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. All things that I can't be alone.
Last year was tough...heck, lets be honest, the last TWO years have basically kicked our butts. Lots of negatives, lots of stress, lots of tears. And while they definitely have taught me some things, about myself, about my husband, about my friends and family....I'm not anxious to ever relive those lessons.
So with that being said, it's time for some change...and not mind blowing, all out, unattainable changes. I'm talking realistic, practical, simple changes.
OUR goals for this year:
Be more involved with the boys.
Become more financially responsible.
Make one another happy.
Appreciate more, whine less.
Continue making this house OUR home.
And one for me...to document it along the way. I want something for all of us to be able to look back on and say, we did that...that's us. Smiling, loving, happy.
Check this kid out...is he not the cutest thing you've ever seen? He's also the sweetest, most loving little 10 year old boy any Momma could want. The kid thrives on hugs and kisses and loves me unconditionally - "whole, whole bunches"as we say in our home. He'll let me snuggle him anytime I want, and even puts on his "baby face" just for me <3 Tonight was a perfect example of how sweet my little Monkey really is....although is Daddy and brother may not agree ;-)
Sitting in the parking lot after Macon's ballgame, we're deciding on who's riding with who...when out of the backseat, Caleb says "Macon ride with Daddy, I want to talk to Momma alone." So off we go, with my expectations high of the conversation we're going to have. Will it be about the latest book he's read? Or maybe what new idea he's come up with. Either way, I'm ready....
Me: So what did you want to talk about CalebBaleb?
Caleb: Nothing
Me: Nothing? But you told brother you wanted to talk to me alone.
Caleb: I know. I just wanted you all to myself.
Me: Oh really? And why's that?
Caleb: Cause I like having you ALLLLL to myself Momma. I don't want to share you with ANYone!
Me: You can't even share me with brother?
Caleb: No...he needs too much.
Me: What about Daddy? Can you share me with him?
Caleb: Ummmm.... I guess, if I have to....which I guess I do, you did marry him after all.
Hahaha! I thought my heart was going to explode with love (and laughter)! And while this "Momma's boy phase" may not last forever, and eventually I'm sure the cuddling and hugs will slow down, for now, I'll take all of Caleb and his baby faces, sit in my lap requests, and talks as I can get. I'll even let him not share me every once in a while...just don't tell Daddy and brother ;-)
Well, we are now officially moved into the Lake House. We've been here a little over a month now and soo much has changed already. The kitchen has seen the biggest changes- painted cabinets, new appliances, even a new ceiling and light fixtures! I've been taking lots of before/after pictures that I promise to post soon, but for now, to hold all 3 of my loyal readers attention, I thought I might post some oldies but goodies that I found on Hilda's computer.
I remember how proud he was that day...and how badly he smelled ;-)
Look at those chubby legs!!!! And those curls!
Look how cute they are in their little man recliners. Matches perfectly with the flowers and butterflies behind them ;-)
I realize I'm not doing my best at keeping this updated. I promise it is always in the back of my mind-Ohhh that could be a good blog post...Ohhh I need to post that pic. Obviously life takes over and keeps me from it though, but tonight I just had to share.
Tonight was our first night back on the baseball field!!!!!! First practice baby! I don't know who was more excited...me or Macon. Either way, my kid is back! Yea, he was a little rusty, a little slower than some of the other kids, but his heart is there and he's ready baby! After running some laps, the coach asked each kid what position they had played last year, and what they would be interested in playing this year. Luck would have it, he was chosen to play on the same team (same coaches and lots of the same kids). So when he got to Macon, I think I actually held my breath straining to hear what his response would be.
Coach: So what position do you want to play?
Macon: Catcher..what else?
Coach: You SURE?!?!?!
Macon: *Big Cheesy Smile*
There was no fear, no hesitation...just smiles. I don't think I've ever looked more forward to a season than now.
Today brings us one step closer to ending a very hard chapter of our lives. As most of you know, Chris' mom passed away very unexpectedly on November 21, 2010, she was only 56 years old. She was also the only family he had left.
It's been a very rough last few months, not just emotionally but mentally and physically as well. There are soo many things to take care of when a loved one passes, things you never think of. Canceling credit cards, closing bank accounts, cleaning out the house....and that brings us to today. Today is the estate sale..today is when strangers enter her house and browse through her belongings taking them home with them where we'll never see them again. We're not allowed to be there, during the sale I mean, and now I truly understand why.
Last night we decided to make one last walk through of the house, just to make sure the items we wanted to keep were marked and get an idea of how the whole process works. But as we stood there, with all her things surrounding us, I was hit with an extreme sense of loss and sadness. This was the last time we would ever see these items, things that she loved and personally picked out, things that Chris had helped move through the different houses of his childhood. It just made things that much more real...that she's really gone.
Don't get me wrong, I know they are just "things"...and we have spent the last month going through each room, picking out the items we wanted to keep. Knick knacks, pictures, some of the more personal pieces that Chris and the boys both wanted, and needed, to keep her close. But the thought hit me, of how hard this would be if they were my own mom's things, and this was the last time I got to see them, smell them, and touch them. It made my heart hurt that much more for him, of course, as a man, he holds it in. So I'm asking, for those few of you out there reading this, to just keep us in your prayers, to help us through this next step of closure, to remind us that you love us and that it's not the "things" that make that love real.
I'm completed addicted to Google Reader (for those of you who don't know what that is, you're missing out!) and so any spare time I have, which really means, any free time I can pretend I have, is spent reading about other people's lives, home remodeling projects, kids, etc. I'm following blogs that document every step their child makes, every poop their dog takes, and every gaseous sound their husband haves...well not really, but you get the idea. And as much fun as I'm having catching up on the lives of complete strangers, it's making me feel like a rather crappy mom/wife and blogger. There have been soo many things that have happened over the last year that I didn't document and now wish I had. So this is my re-attempt to blog regularly and hopefully a few of you will follow along for the journey. Stay tuned!
...had one of those "OMG I'm sooo thankful to see you but now stand there and let me beat you for making me soo thankful to see you" moments? That was a mouthful I know, feel free to go back and reread it slower this time...I joke, but in all seriousness, that was me. And Macon. Surprise, surprise.
It started out as a normal afternoon like all others in my Heathen filled household, with complaints about doing homework, wanting to watch tv, and sneaking snacks, but now I sit here with a pounding headache, red eyes, and a very much grounded 11 year old.
After doing his homework, Macon asked "Can I go ride my bike?" Which of course, I answered with "Sure". I feel like we should be past the point of me asking him a thousand questions before he walks out the door, as he has entered that realm of tween'hood, and I'm trying really hard to be a bit more lenient. But if you know me at all, you know my BIGGEST fear is something happening to my boys, more specifically, someone snatching them. Chris thinks I'm over protective....A term, I'm sure I used with my own mother at some point in time ;-), but really, if you watch the news then you know, it happens! So off he goes, to what I assume is, to ride his bike. An hour later, I've not heard from him and I don't see him in the cove anywhere.
Ok...calm....breath...he's Ok.
As Chris leaves for work, I ask him to ride around the neighborhood and find him...you know, to ease my mind as it's starting to get dark. Ten minutes later, there's no sign of him. At this point, Caleb and I jump in my truck to hit all the neighborhood kid's houses...still no luck. Now the panic is really starting to set in and I catch myself thinking the worse. Another lap around to our house and Chris joins us in the truck to help find him. One more stop at the friend's houses, a call to the girlfriend, still no sign of him. If you're a mother, then I'm sure you can understand the absolute terror and heartache that I was having at this moment, having searched every imaginable place, wondering where in the world my little boy was. Chris convinces me to go back to the house and calm down, because yes, I was crying and on the verge of calling the police...we had spent over 30 minutes looking for him and it was dark! What else was I going to do? Thankfully, at that moment, Macon called....I'm not sure what exactly he even said, but he was ok, and my fear switched to anger and I demanded he get his butt home.
Chris was outside when he rode up so I'm not sure what all was said at that point, but I do know that as soon as he walked in, I wanted to both hug and smack him for what he had just put me through. Our conversation hasn't fully happened at this point, as I'm taking this time to calm down, but I did get out of him that he was at the neighborhood behind AND across the busy road from us! Has he lost his mind?!?!?!
So here I sit, writing, hoping it helps both me AND him in the long run because I really hate to be "that" mom who shelters their kids from everything, and puts the fear of God in them, but what's a mom to do?!?! I realize it's only going to get harder...he's only going to get older and eventually he won't even tell me where he's SUPPOSEDLY going! I'm not sure I'll survive it...heck, I'm not sure he'll survive it at this point. Wish us both luck!
I thought the next time I wrote, it would be to announce that I was pregnant, a surprise to everyone, including myself. After years of wanting another baby, it was finally happening! Another member to add to our chaotic family; a boy with Chris’ big blue eyes, or a girl with my curly dark hair. Maybe his name would be Bishop, after Chris’ dream, or I could name her Adrian after my grandfather. Either way it was a baby, one that we had prayed for and hoped for, for so long. I was pregnant.
For 8 weeks and 2 days, I was pregnant. Blissfully, joyfully pregnant. My body began to adjust, requiring that I nap by 2 pm out of sheer exhaustion, achy, swollen breasts, and even a slight baby bump appearing in the last week. But then all too suddenly, it was gone. I’m not sure how I knew, but when I woke on Sunday morning, I did…our baby was gone. There were no outward signs to cause alarm, no cramping or bleeding as you hear about from other mothers who have experienced a miscarriage. Even Google assured me that the light pink on the tissue paper was nothing outside of “normal”. Despite my worries, I tried to carry on with my day as though there was nothing wrong, but by the end of the afternoon, I couldn’t hold back any longer. I shared with Chris my fears and we held to one another, praying that I was wrong.
After a restless night of sleep, I awoke thinking perhaps it was all just a bad dream. There was no more pink, no aches, but still, a dull sense of reality that I did not want to face. The doctor’s office assured me over the phone, that once again this was normal, but to come in anyways. Congratulations were offered all around, by the receptionist, the nurse taking my blood pressure, even the nurse practitioner who was over seeing my case. Smiles were abundant; “no need to worry”; “we see this all the time”. Chris, try as he might held on to the hope that everything was fine. To set our minds at ease, we were taken in for an ultrasound. Lying down on the table, a screen was in front of us, set there for all the anxious mothers, holding their breath, waiting to see their babies for the first time. Yet I didn’t want to look, scared of what I might or might not see. But then, there it was, our baby. A small bean floating inside its protective sac, perfectly formed….only, this baby, my baby, had no heart beat. I didn’t cry at first, not saying a word, I watched as the tech took picture after picture of my precious gift, but when she turned on the sound, to listen, in chance that she has missed something, I could no longer hold back. “There’s no heartbeat” I stated, not really even asking. All she could do was shake her head no. I don’t remember much else at that point, except for Chris’ arms holding me as he tried to console me, my entire body shaking.
Days have passed since that moment, and yet it seems as though it was just minutes ago. I’m not sure why this happened, there will never be an answer. It doesn’t seem fair to offer someone something that has been wanted for so long, only to take it away after such a short amount of time. 8 weeks and 2 days. You can lose 25 lbs in 8 weeks, you can even get a degree online in 8 weeks, but most importantly, you can bond with an unforeseen soul that grows inside you. I know, because I did. A friend told me a story she heard, one told to children to help with their own grief when their mother miscarried, one that I have since shared with my own boys. When a baby is made, God gives it the choice to continue growing and join the family, or stay in heaven and pray for their family. The ones that leave us all too early, are never actually gone, they are waiting for us above, praying for the family that they belong to. That’s where my baby is, and I just have to take my hurt, my pain, and my anger and push it aside, knowing that I was pregnant, that I did have a baby, and now that baby is watching over all of us, praying.
Wife to 1 amazingly patient, loving man.
Mom to 3 "heathen" boys: Macon-15, Caleb 12, and Baby Lawson-10 months.
Friend to those who deserve it.
Sibling to 3 sisters and 3 brothers.
Breastfeeding advocate.
Photographer wannabe.
Emotional, opinionated, and loud.
All female.
