Have you ever...

...had one of those "OMG I'm sooo thankful to see you but now stand there and let me beat you for making me soo thankful to see you" moments? That was a mouthful I know, feel free to go back and reread it slower this time...I joke, but in all seriousness, that was me. And Macon. Surprise, surprise.

It started out as a normal afternoon like all others in my Heathen filled household, with complaints about doing homework, wanting to watch tv, and sneaking snacks, but now I sit here with a pounding headache, red eyes, and a very much grounded 11 year old.

After doing his homework, Macon asked "Can I go ride my bike?" Which of course, I answered with "Sure". I feel like we should be past the point of me asking him a thousand questions before he walks out the door, as he has entered that realm of tween'hood, and I'm trying really hard to be a bit more lenient. But if you know me at all, you know my BIGGEST fear is something happening to my boys, more specifically, someone snatching them. Chris thinks I'm over protective....A term, I'm sure I used with my own mother at some point in time ;-), but really, if you watch the news then you know, it happens! So off he goes, to what I assume is, to ride his bike. An hour later, I've not heard from him and I don't see him in the cove anywhere.

Ok...calm....breath...he's Ok.

As Chris leaves for work, I ask him to ride around the neighborhood and find him...you know, to ease my mind as it's starting to get dark. Ten minutes later, there's no sign of him. At this point, Caleb and I jump in my truck to hit all the neighborhood kid's houses...still no luck. Now the panic is really starting to set in and I catch myself thinking the worse. Another lap around to our house and Chris joins us in the truck to help find him. One more stop at the friend's houses, a call to the girlfriend, still no sign of him. If you're a mother, then I'm sure you can understand the absolute terror and heartache that I was having at this moment, having searched every imaginable place, wondering where in the world my little boy was. Chris convinces me to go back to the house and calm down, because yes, I was crying and on the verge of calling the police...we had spent over 30 minutes looking for him and it was dark! What else was I going to do? Thankfully, at that moment, Macon called....I'm not sure what exactly he even said, but he was ok, and my fear switched to anger and I demanded he get his butt home.

Chris was outside when he rode up so I'm not sure what all was said at that point, but I do know that as soon as he walked in, I wanted to both hug and smack him for what he had just put me through. Our conversation hasn't fully happened at this point, as I'm taking this time to calm down, but I did get out of him that he was at the neighborhood behind AND across the busy road from us! Has he lost his mind?!?!?!

So here I sit, writing, hoping it helps both me AND him in the long run because I really hate to be "that" mom who shelters their kids from everything, and puts the fear of God in them, but what's a mom to do?!?! I realize it's only going to get harder...he's only going to get older and eventually he won't even tell me where he's SUPPOSEDLY going! I'm not sure I'll survive it...heck, I'm not sure he'll survive it at this point. Wish us both luck!

8 weeks and 2 days...

I thought the next time I wrote, it would be to announce that I was pregnant, a surprise to everyone, including myself. After years of wanting another baby, it was finally happening! Another member to add to our chaotic family; a boy with Chris’ big blue eyes, or a girl with my curly dark hair. Maybe his name would be Bishop, after Chris’ dream, or I could name her Adrian after my grandfather. Either way it was a baby, one that we had prayed for and hoped for, for so long. I was pregnant.

For 8 weeks and 2 days, I was pregnant. Blissfully, joyfully pregnant. My body began to adjust, requiring that I nap by 2 pm out of sheer exhaustion, achy, swollen breasts, and even a slight baby bump appearing in the last week. But then all too suddenly, it was gone. I’m not sure how I knew, but when I woke on Sunday morning, I did…our baby was gone. There were no outward signs to cause alarm, no cramping or bleeding as you hear about from other mothers who have experienced a miscarriage. Even Google assured me that the light pink on the tissue paper was nothing outside of “normal”. Despite my worries, I tried to carry on with my day as though there was nothing wrong, but by the end of the afternoon, I couldn’t hold back any longer. I shared with Chris my fears and we held to one another, praying that I was wrong.

After a restless night of sleep, I awoke thinking perhaps it was all just a bad dream. There was no more pink, no aches, but still, a dull sense of reality that I did not want to face. The doctor’s office assured me over the phone, that once again this was normal, but to come in anyways. Congratulations were offered all around, by the receptionist, the nurse taking my blood pressure, even the nurse practitioner who was over seeing my case. Smiles were abundant; “no need to worry”; “we see this all the time”. Chris, try as he might held on to the hope that everything was fine. To set our minds at ease, we were taken in for an ultrasound. Lying down on the table, a screen was in front of us, set there for all the anxious mothers, holding their breath, waiting to see their babies for the first time. Yet I didn’t want to look, scared of what I might or might not see. But then, there it was, our baby. A small bean floating inside its protective sac, perfectly formed….only, this baby, my baby, had no heart beat. I didn’t cry at first, not saying a word, I watched as the tech took picture after picture of my precious gift, but when she turned on the sound, to listen, in chance that she has missed something, I could no longer hold back. “There’s no heartbeat” I stated, not really even asking. All she could do was shake her head no. I don’t remember much else at that point, except for Chris’ arms holding me as he tried to console me, my entire body shaking.

Days have passed since that moment, and yet it seems as though it was just minutes ago. I’m not sure why this happened, there will never be an answer. It doesn’t seem fair to offer someone something that has been wanted for so long, only to take it away after such a short amount of time. 8 weeks and 2 days. You can lose 25 lbs in 8 weeks, you can even get a degree online in 8 weeks, but most importantly, you can bond with an unforeseen soul that grows inside you. I know, because I did. A friend told me a story she heard, one told to children to help with their own grief when their mother miscarried, one that I have since shared with my own boys. When a baby is made, God gives it the choice to continue growing and join the family, or stay in heaven and pray for their family. The ones that leave us all too early, are never actually gone, they are waiting for us above, praying for the family that they belong to. That’s where my baby is, and I just have to take my hurt, my pain, and my anger and push it aside, knowing that I was pregnant, that I did have a baby, and now that baby is watching over all of us, praying.

A Fun Family Night...even if it is at 2 am!

For those of you who didn't realize, today is the official release date for the second Transformers movie, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. But as with all the big movie releases, the theaters will do 12:01 am showings the night before for the hard core fans, those who just can't stand not to see it first. If you can't tell where I'm going with this, I'll just go ahead and tell you, I am one of those obnoxious people. I will buy my tickets online to make sure its not sold out when I get there, I will arrive at least an hour early to stand in line with my fellow geeks, excitedly talking about how great the trailers were, and what I expect to happen...I'll even drag my family along with me.

When I say that I love the first Transformers movie, I don't think people realize to what extent. I will literally stop whatever I'm doing and sit and watch the movie if I see it come on tv. It doesn't even matter what part its on, or the fact that I've seen it close to 100 times, it remains one of my favorites. We own it on both DVD and BluRay, and even have it recorded on both Tivos. Yes, I realize its a bit of an obsession, one that will definately carry over to the second one as well. But the good thing is, I have my children who were just as excited as I was while standing outside the Paradiso, to obsess along with me!

I won't go into too much detail about the movie since I realize there are lots of you who aren't as hardcore as I am and haven't seen it yet, but I can promise you, it is awesome! The graphics are unbelievable. And did I mention the new Corvette Stingray that makes even those of us who wouldn't know the difference between a V8 and lawnmower engine, drool?

As if a midnight movie wasn't enough excitement for one night, we also threw in a Redbirds game with Nana and Papa beforehand (yea, I like to pack in a weeks worth of events all in one night obviously). Thankfully, the Memphis weather that has literally been hot enough that you can use your seatbelt as a branding iron, cooled down so we could really enjoy the night. Even better, the Redbirds beat Omaha 6-3!

So was it worth it? Driving downtown, back home, and then back to East Memphis? A midnight showing with an 11 and 8 year old? Not getting home till 3 am? A morning that would not only require coffee, but demand it? I think I can speak for all four of us when I say, absolutely!

Proceed with Caution

I say that because the images you are about to see may shock, scare and/or cause extreme laughter (or crying if your name is Nana).

Caleb definitely has his own sense of style, as I'm sure many of you have witnessed. For instance, he loves socks...all socks. But they have to be colorful ones, striped ones, ones with designs. Nothing to plain for my boy! When its time to dress himself, I honestly think he tries to find the most mismatched items just to make things more interesting. Boring is not a word in his vocabulary. So when it comes to hairstyles, you can't expect anything different.

During a recent visit by our friends Cary and Shalein, Caleb jumped on the opportunity to ask Ms. Shalein to cut his hair. In a mohawk...a tall one. Let me just say, he has been asking for one for years now, and for the most part, we've been able to appease him with a faux hawk each summer....obviously, it wasn't going to work this time. Given the okay, out came the clippers, off came the hair and emerged my little rocker boy.

While I'm sure alot of parents out there may not approve, and we might get a few weird looks at Kroger from the older community, I'd just like to say, my little boy is on cloud nine! He wakes up in the morning asking if he can put more gel in it, then smiles everytime he walks past a mirror. My outlook is, it's just hair, it grows back, and more than likely this is just a phase. But when he's older, and looks back at the pictures, hopefully he'll smile and think "man I had a cool mom!" :-)

Wordless Wednesdays

So I've seen this alot on other peoples blogs, and since I'm trying to get into more of a routine on here, I thought I would give it a go...although, I basically just defeated the whole purpose of "wordless" huh?

Look at us go!!!!

I know it's been a while since my last post, so I'm setting a new goal while I'm out of school, to keep this updated more often, and hopefully, it'll become more routine for when I go back...in 5 weeks (who thought summer school was a good idea?!?!?). May was an extremely crazy month for us, and there's lots I want to update everyone on, but I'll start with a biggie.

Macon finished 5th grade this year, with it being his last at Lakeland Elementary. He's been there every year since Kindergarten, so leaving it will be bittersweet. While he's growing up and moving on, he'll once again be the low man on the totem pole at his new school. And after seeing some of the older boys in the higher grades, I'm hoping his hormones kick in (I'm sure I'll eat these words later) so that he won't be the "little" guy when August rolls around. Although, I'm sure Reagan (his 5'4" girlfriend) wouldn't mind helping him out ;-). I'm so extremely proud of him and all his accomplishments for the last six years, and can only hope that he continues on this road of success. He finished out the year with having been on Honor Roll every quarter of his school days thus far. He was awarded the Presidential Award, which is based on TCAP scores and grades, recieving a certificate signed by President Obama and a Presidential pin. Having been chosen as an Lakeland Ambassador at the beginning of the year, he was recognized for the duties he performed throughout the year, which included helping with the new kindergartners, leading school tours to new parents and students, and being available to the Principal and Vice Principal. He was a member of the Recorder Ensemble and Art Club, and also recieved awards for his participation in both. I cannot even begin to say how proud of him we are. And although I catch myself being hard on him sometimes, I know in my heart that he's a really smart kid and he continues to prove it over and over.



Caleb also did a great job finishing up the 2nd grade. Heading in, Caleb was not an avid reader, and had the least bit of interest in becoming one. After a bit of pushing, he picked up a chapter book and took off with it! Every quarter, Caleb was at the top of his class in AR (Advanced Reader) in either points or percentage! He also completed the year on Honor Roll, and recieved the Citizenship Award for having good conduct! He's excited about starting 3rd grade, and learning division, as he was the class champion of Multiplication Math Challenge! I know he'll do a wonderful job!!!!


And last but not least, I completed another semester at University of Memphis this May! Inching my way closer to graduation, and even better by doing it on the DEAN'S LIST!!!! I'm proud to say, this was my second letter recognizing my good grades since returning last fall! I've also signed up for a couple of summer classes (completed one already with an A) and then will return full time again in the August. How awesome am I?!?!? :-)